149. The Hugo Chavez Diet Plan

The President of Venezuela and wannabe Nutrisystem spokesperson, Hugo Chavez, has ordered Venezuelans to lose weight. In order to enforce national weight loss, the formerly chubby president has ordered the blockage of most food supplies going into the country. Anyone caught eating over 250 calories a day or an American hamburger will be shot. Two shots straight to the head if found with a biggie order of fries.

Beginning immediately, Chavez requires all Venezuelans to follow a daily regime of sit-ups and soymilk. Armed with bathroom scales and AK-47s, Chavez will make surprise visits to Venezuelan dinner tables to ensure that his new national diet plan is followed.

In another surprise announcement, Chavez also shared with reporters that he is partnering with Jane Fonda, Sean Penn, and the U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services, Kathleen Sebelius, to launch an intriguing line of exercise dance videos and spandex sports wear. The sports wear will be pirate-themed, each leotard coming with a parrot, beret, Che Guevera t-shirt, signed autograph from Hugo himself, and wooden leg for the pole-dancing routines. Background music for the exercise videos provided from Harry Belafonte’s latest CD entitled Music for Elevators found in most clearance bins at your local Wal-Marts; pole-dancing instruction, beginner and advanced, provided by Jane Fonda and Sean Penn rounded off with a Kathleen Sebelius demonstration on how to properly chew and swallow celery sticks and arugula from Michelle Obama’s vegetable garden. All this and more on every exercise video.

Proceeds from this joint venture will be deposited directly into the Hugo Chavez Non-Profit Trust Fund Switzerland account in small, unmarked bills. Look for the Hugo Chavez exercise videos and sportswear on QVC and the White House web site.

148. White House Summits

Only a handful of things make Americans truly angry. Some include:

* The end of the NFL football season.
* Whiners.
* Sore-losers.
* Corrupt politicians (no shortage of those).
* Laziness.
* Higher taxes.
* Political correctness.

And the current favorite: White House Summits.

Yesterday, President Obama announced that he wants to get Americans back to work. Since the trillion dollar stimulus passed in January has been less than lackluster, and no one buys his jobs “saved or created” figures except Joe Biden, the President figures why not convene a taxpayer funded summit in December.

Seems reasonable.

And it’ll look good too, especially when official White House photographers distribute pictures to the mainstream media of attendees in their rolled up blue oxfords huddled over executive tables littered with half-empty water bottles and blank pieces of paper. Maybe instead of lab coats, Michelle can pass out hard-hats? In her Catwoman Halloween costume?

If you’ve lost your job or are about to lose your job, President Obama’s announcement of another White House Summit probably makes you feel a whole lot better.

Good times.

147. Another Beer Summit?

You know you’re making progress with race relations when you’re a white university employee having a discussion with a black professor from a supposedly prominent university about "white privilege" (whatever that is) and the professor slugs you in the face because he doesn’t like something you said. And did I mention that you’re a white woman?

Instead of calling it an assault, true to form, the offended university professor from said prominent university calls it “an unfortunate event.”

One question: People actually pay good money to attend Columbia University?

A Special Post: Happy Veterans' Day

A special thank-you today to all United States veterans past, present, and future. Thank you for all the sacrifices that you and your families have made to keep our country safe.

I’d also like to thank my dad and all the other men who served with him aboard the USS Leonard Wood during World War II. Many of those men were very much like my dad—dirt poor, parents who didn’t speak English, many of them lying about their age to join the military after the bombing of Pearl Harbor. But they all loved their families, freedom, and their country more than themselves.

Thanks, Dad. You’ll always be the coolest guy I’ve ever known.

146. Every Nook and Cranny

I have it on good authority that Santa’s elves will be cobbling together thousands of e-Readers for all the good little boys and girls this year. Any many of the young-at-heart ones, too. If you’re wondering whether there is a Kindle, Sony Reader, or Nook in your downloadable book-reading future, don’t miss the post at Commentarama. Today we’re talking about the good, the bad, and the ugly of e-Readers, along with the one I hope Santa leaves me under the Christmas tree this year. Please come join the discussion.

Click here.

145. Shout-outs

I used to think that the over-nauseating use of the word awesome was the most annoying word of the 21st Century. I was wrong. It’s been replaced by a new one: shout-out. All of a sudden, everyone’s giving shout-outs on a regular basis, even the President of the United States.

Last week, mere hours after an attack on a U.S. military base in Texas, President Obama again was giving shout-outs, this time to someone attending a Tribal Nations Conference. Instead of talking about the shooting at Fort Hood with compassion and acknowledging the senseless deaths of a dozen soldiers, America gets a “shout-out” from our clueless Cheerleader-in-Chief.

Not one, but two minutes into his speech at the Tribal Conference, President Obama finally gets around to mentioning the murders at Fort Hood. It’s as if an aide finally poked him from behind with an invisible prod and reminded him. But by the time he got around to mentioning Fort Hood, it was too late. You’d have to be an idiot not to be bothered by the President’s bungling.

Since his rambling, nonsensical message at the Tribal Conference, President Obama has had to make up for it by giving additional teleprompter-inspired messages, announcing that flags will be flown at half-mast till Veteran’s Day and, above all, no one should rush to judgment. On this point—rushing to judgment—the President and his equally clueless Homeland Security Director have been crystal clear. And this coming from a President who rushed to judgment only a handful of months ago when a policeman in Boston was doing his job.

But, fear not. The President, the First Lady, and their entourage of speech writers, hair stylists, and make-up artists will all be flying en masse to Texas on Tuesday to attend a memorial service for those who died at the hands of a crazed Muslim who thought he should take out as many of his Army comrades as possible.

Actions speak much louder than words. And the President’s last week were so heartfelt. Here’s a shout-out: Why don’t you and Michelle stay home.

144. Harry Mitchell (D-AZ)

Harry Mitchell decided to listen to Nancy Pelosi and Barack Obama on the Healthcare Bill instead of the majority of his constituents in his Arizona district. Thanks, Big Guy.

Harry was one of the 220 representatives who voted in the middle of the night for this $1.3 trillion government-takeover monstrosity that promises not to fix any of the current healthcare problems but will most assuredly make them worse. The changes are so convoluted that not even the Congress pledged to sign-up for the government-run option in its own 2000-page Bill. You think the confused roll-out of the swine flu vaccine was bad?

I look forward to returning the favor in 2010, Harry.